Dogs Need Sex Toys, Too (Bastos!)

If you want to read about a sex toy for dogs... male dogs, of course... you better go here.

Thanks a lot, Seattlest. Bastos talaga!

Ay! Bastos Dolphin!

Maybe I shouldn't post the video here. It's too bastos. Maybe I should just link you to unfogged.

Totally bastos.

TURN OFF YOUR PHONE, ASSHAT

As a high school teacher, I know that some of you people are too stupid to understand something told to you plainly and explicitly. So I will make you a table. The score in green represents how offensive you are perceived, on a scale of one to ten.

remembering to turn of your cell phone before a play, concert, or movie starts...
zero - not offensive

reaching for your cell phone and turning it off when you get a reminder from the staff
zero - not offensive

hearing your ring in a performance and immediately turning it off without checking
one - very mildly irritating, easily forgiven

answering your phone or excusing yourself to take the call in the middle of the performance five - distracting

letting your phone ring out, pretending it's not yours, hope it will stop soon
ten ten ten ten ten - you are an ASSHAT. someone should take your phone away and jam it into your stupid teeth

What's that you say? Just pretend it's not you and spare yourself the embarrassment? You are an asshat. It happens that we normal humans actually know exactly who you are, we have stereophonic hearing, remember? If you would just reach down and turn it off, everyone would forget about it. But no, you let it ring and ring, and because you refuse to turn it off, the person calls back and it RINGS AGAIN.

Think nobody knows? Think people don't mind? Then you must be a moron, because everyone in the room despises you. Seriously, a crying baby is less distracting than your stupid faux Beethoven ring.

It is never, never too late to turn off your damn phone. Figure it out.

Filipino American Glossary: bastos

pronunciation: bas-TOS

adjective; often an exclamation

(1) - rude, disrespectful.
When you go to visit your cowsin, you better say hello to your uncle and auntie. When you do not say hello, that is very bastos.

(2) - dirty, naughty, porn
When we go to rent a video, she spends all her time in the bastos section.

You can check out all the times I used the word "bastos" now!

Ay, Sticky Vagina!

I don't know how knowing how to say this expression in Tagalog is going to improve your lives. It's Auntie A who says it, and we love her for it, but it's not something that naturally sneaks into your vocabulary.

Anyway, by popular demand....

When Auntie A drops something, she exclaims "Ay! Puki malakit!"

Enjoy!

Update: We have always said that Auntie A is the only one that says this. She is Tagalog and Kapampangan, and we love her. We can't claim it's a Filipino thing, or Tagalog thing, just an Auntie A thing. However, its a phenomenon that could only happen in a vaginocentric culture.

Update Number 2: My mama wrote in with a correction; she claims Auntie A says "Ay, puking malaki!" which a) is absolutley not what I remember, and b) not "sticky vagina" but "huge vagina." Sheesh, I hope this thread dies down soon.

Update Number 3: I've posted some corrections over at BitchPhd. Hopefully, that's the final word.

Farting in the Classoom?

Dear Bitch traffic,

I see all of you coming to my site, and I know you're looking for the story about J farting in the classroom, but I done told you.... this blog is about me, not J. When I have a farting story, I'll share it with you.

You may feel free to tell your own (or other people's) farting stories in the comments section if you like. And as for J, she will have to start her own blog.

So here are some of my thoughts for Monday's big BitchPhd post. It's gonna be a letter (or series of letters?) to Non-Brown America, with some information that might help them get to know us better.

• Ethnicity is not pedigree. No more fractions!
  
• Ethnicity is as central to identity as gender. No more "zero-culture fallacy." No more "I don't you as "ethnic;" I don't care if you're black, or white, or green!"
  
• Relative Vaginophbia.
  
• Don't be Santa Clause. The poison of materialism in rural El Salvador.
• When White people aren't listening.... or when we're not speaking English...
  
• mostly we don't talk about you
• we shake our heads at your dairy habit