Thursday, March 08, 2007

I'm still here.


Yes, I'm still here. I haven't been very bloggy lately, as I seem to have sprained my colon last week, and I've been feeling pretty crappy about it. The doctor gave me a butt relaxer and a butt numbing agent, but even with latex gloves, I can't get them far enough up river, so to speak. So for now I'm relying on advil and stool softeners.

God bless my mama, she wanted me to take this opportunity to get a colonoscopy, a parasite test, basically anything she could think of that involved looking up my butt. If I had let her she would have scheduled a rectal spectral analysis by the Hubble telescope, but I had to tell her no, mama, no no no! It hurts when stuff comes out, NOTHING'S GOING IN. N O T H I N G.

The pain, by the way.... I would go to the bathroom, clean up, and then lie down on the bed, panting, sweating, and whimpering until my vision uncrossed.

I don't really know what it is, or what caused it, and neither did my doctor, although he did say it wasn't hemorrhoids. So I'm just calling it a sprain. My friend created a mythological origin, like I swallowed a sharp screw or something, which is true for all I know. Sigh.

In other news, I'm on financial Red Alert. No money will be spent between now and payday, I might have to borrow some money for my sister to buy a dozen eggs.


a. said...

You and I are EARNING Mayor Nickels's Colon Cancer Awareness Day today. I had my first colonoscopy yesterday; BLECCH. I threw up the entire second "beverage" I was supposed to drink in preparation; thank God the doc could still "visualize" enough to do it. I don't want to do that again before I have to, which will be 5 years from now. Meanwhile, no cancer. I hope you feel better!!!!

Tita said...

I hope you feel better. Regarding your comment, I think your tita amy and my tita s must have gone to school together...potty mouth school. Sorry, I don't mean to bring up your nemesis the toilet again. Feel better! I clicked on some ads so that you might buy some eggs.

Chadwick said...

Sheesh JP, I'm sorry that you're feeling poorly.