Phone! Where are you!

I just got back from a jazz gig, we played one little set of three bossa nova songs. It was fine.

I'm going crazy because I can't find my phone. Where are you phone?

In my house, whenever I lost track something, it's no use asking for help, because my parents just mock me. Absolutely no help. They so despised my ability to lose something, that they didn't even look up from what they were doing. They just mocked me.

Mama, have you seen my keys?

I don't know! she would say, Did you try calling them? Maybe if you call them they will come to you! Keys! Keys, where are you!

It was worth a chuckle, but really, I just wanted my keys. .

Dad, have you seen my keys?

Baoninam! he would say, and then Why do you keep losing your keys! Look with your eyes, not with your mouth!

And that's how I learned an important lesson from my parents: Humiliate those who ask for help.

One time my dad lost his keys, and I told him to look with his eyes, not with your mouth. He didn't say anything. That was years ago, and he has never asked me for help finding lost items ever since. Because he knows I will humiliate him. I absolutely will.

The worst was when I would wake up from a nap, and my glasses were gone. Because someone had moved them. So when I was told to look with my eyes, not with your mouth, I wanted to say I CAN'T FUCKING SEE!

But that was the other lesson from my parents: No sympathy. There is no sympathy in a Filipino family. When little kids fall down, American parents say, "oh, honey, are you ok, did you get a boo boo? Let me kiss it." When Filipino kids fall down, we look at them with hatred and say "Good! Do it again! Do you like that? You'll learn!"

Children, you see, must be taught the social consequences of falling down. You can't just assume a kid will learn to avoid falling down because of, you know, the physical pain of falling down. Aren't they afraid that the kids will learn to resent them? Ha ha ha. Resentment is totally irrelevant.

"Good! Do it again! Do you like that? Do it again!" and I'd look down, try not to cry, and say "I don't want to do it again."

Anyway, now I live alone, so there is no one here to humiliate me when I misplace my phone. And I refuse to humiliate myself; I refuse to create some kind of self perpetuating self hatred cycle for something a silly as misplacing my phone.

I do wish I knew where my phone was. But I don't. So don't call me right now.