Thursday, September 21, 2006

Just Can't Sleep

I guess my hunger cycle isn't the only thing out of whack nowadays.

Here's some guidelines for when I die:

1) There is to be no "Wind Beneath My Wings" slide show. If you need to do a slide show (and my family won't feel the need), you will use either orchestral music from an American composer, or happy music from the 80s. So, either Copland's A Letter from Home or Prince's Let's Go Crazy. Take your pick.

2) If I somehow merit an honor guard (and I won't), they better be sharp. If the honor guard is less sharp than, say, the Sultan High School Marching Band, then forget it.

3) I'd prefer to have my memorial at St. Therese at a regular 11am Sunday Mass, but if they won't allow it, or my family is too uncomfortable, then schedule some other time.

4) A Gospel choir will sing at the mass. Shades of Praise, Gospel Truth, somebody who knows how to do a Catholic mass. No Eagle's Wings. No I Am The Bread Of Life. No Amazing Grace.

5) Cremation is a-okay.

6) Do not settle for a priest that is a jackass to preside at my memorial. If the priest you get didn't know me very well, then he should not even bother to talk about me in his homily, because everyone hates it when priests do that. It's not pastoral, it's infuriating. Instead, let him preach about, let's see.... the readings. Jesus Christ, maybe. What a concept.

7) People with that insipid, immature, pop-theology are not allowed to eulogize about "where I am now," or "why God had to take him from us." There will be no blaming God. There will be no "why, God, why?"

8) Please make sure someone addresses the congregation in Pangasinan, the first language I never learned.

9) Somebody make sure the Prayers of the Faithful are relevant. If the liturgist does not let you change the Prayers, change them anyway.

10) After the memorial service, everybody eats. Everybody. Don't bother sending flowers, we're all allergic. Instead, use that flower money to help hungry people eat.

11) Don't wear frumpy black mourning clothes, please. If you must wear black, please at least look sharp. If you look better in bright colors, then by all means. My relatives will be videotaping you.

I'm only asking eleven things. That's very little.

By the way, I'm not dying anytime soon, so you might have to bookmark this page for the distant future.

1 comment:

torreybird said...

Nice list. Practical. Recent events prompt me to suggest, however, that you might also add:

- survivors should make sure the important people in your life know about the important ritual events (i.e., memorial, wake, internment) in enough time to be there.

- survivors should make lists of all of the belongings, and not be assholes about who gets what. Avoid arguing about the stand mixer, the ugly lamp, the glasses that say "world's fair 1962."

And for heaven's sake - if you have a safety deposit box KEY, then having some documentation in your house as to WHERE THE KEY FITS would be swell.

And I'm glad you wrote the caveat at the end - I don't want you to die soon.