BRUSCHETTE: My first offical act as Mr. Snooty American.

My friend BitchPhD has branded me "Mr. Snooty American", and that's all the pretext I need to teach everyone how to speak. Ready?

There is no "shhh" sound in the word bruschetta.

First of all, the s and the h are not next to each other. They can't make a "shhh" sound. They're separated by a c.

Then think of the English words school, schedule, schizophrenia, Schenectady. All of them have the initial consonant cluster "sch," but none of them make a "shhh" sound.

Don't pronounce "-sch-" as a shhh sound unless you are pronouncing a German word. Bruschetta is not a German word.

Broo-sket-ta. Notice there are two t's; one is syllable coda, the second one is the third syllable's onset. Say them both.

The word bruschetta is singular. It is not a mass noun. If you want a plural (be it definite or indefinite), you say bruschette, with an "e" at the end of the word.

I want to order some bruschette. Oh, what a lovely plate of bruschette. Broo-sket-tay.

I am not forbidding any of you to say "broo-sheh-tah," as in honey, let's order some "broo-sheh-tah." Go ahead and say it, it's a free country.

But I'm going to say it the correct way. So don't correct me when I say it, and don't pretend you are fancy and sophisticated.

Because I am Mr. Snooty American. I am the arbiter of snooty.

I also disapprove of the following things:

• people who think they're making a political statement by refusing to own cell phone
• microbrewed lager (what is the point?)
• all places east of Lake Washington
• idiot children of rich people (i.e., Paris Hilton, George W. Bush)
• obvious music (Cannon in D, Miller's In the Mood, Mmbop)
• pre-formed, frozen hamburger pucks
• people who have to take right turns at .05 mph

Fear me! I am Mr. Snooty American. The best part about becoming Mr. Snooty American was definitely the pagent....