My dad thinks I'm stupid.

He once gave me traffic advice about I-5 South in Seattle. I've lived here for OVER A DECADE.

He even tried to guide me out of MY OWN DRIVEWAY, pointing and spinning an imaginary steering wheel, which wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't totally wrong. I screamed at him "STOP IT!" and, pulled back into the drive way, and did it again from muscle memory.

"I was trying to help," he answered when he got in the car. He must think I'm a moron.

In the car buying process, he's given me all sorts of advice, he's even offered to buy cars in Nevada on my behalf. Are you kidding?

Once I found some shoes that I liked at the Ecco store, and he was livid LIVID that I did not walk away from the shoes to see what they have at Dillards. Because I'm too stupid to spend my own money on shoes that I like and will wear 1200 miles away.

When I was living in France, he offered to fill in my absentee ballot for the 1992 presidential election.

Once he tried to give me a bunch of cassettes he brought back from the Philippines. "You listen to Tagalog music, so you learn how to speak." Really dad? I asked. Is that how you learn language? "Yah!" he said, and then started to walk away, because he knew what was coming next. Gee, I have a Master's degree in foreign language pedagogy, and I've never heard of that technique..... I was interrupted by a "hmph" as he left the room.

Before our holiday trip to Vegas, my sister and I bought a half dozen oysters. I steamed them on the stove and then opened them with the shucker and a kitchen towel. Don't tell my dad that I've learned to shuck an oyster, I think it would crush him emotionally to know that I not dumber than a sea otter.

No it wouldn't. He would tell me I was doing it wrong.