CLEAN AS A WHISTLE

I am in Las Vegas right now, a town which fills me with righteous indignation. Still, I have found three glimmers of hope today. There's always hope, right?

1) Fresh corn tortillas from Supermercado del pueblo. In the store, they were still warm and squeezably soft through the plastic baggy. They have that bright sunshiny fresh masa taste, and they were spongy chewy. It is rare to be able to pull a tortilla out of the baggy and just snack on it.

2) I called Guardian Angel Cathedral this evening to see what time Easter Mass is tomorrow morning, and because the office is open late tonight, I was able to talk to a person. I asked her what time masses were, and she said 7:oo, 9:oo, 11:oo, 1:oo, and 5:oo. Then I asked her if she knew of a predominantly African American parish in Las Vegas, and she said, nope. But you might try St. James the Apostle on Martin Luther King. I'll be there tomorrow for 11:00 Mass if you're looking for me.

3) My mama pronounces it beefy; Uncle L might pronounce it "beepy." Anyway, it's a Biffy, and if you don't know what a Biffy is, it's like a headset for your cell phone. Only instead of your head, it sits on your toilet. And instead of bringing you communication, it jets your butt clean with water; all from the comfort of your toilet bowl.

First you do your business. Then, if you have some major residue, you can tp it off. Then you pull the lever. A targeting stream will start gurgling underneath you. You can maneuver the targeting stream to the bull's eye by easing the lever back. Then, when you've got target lock, you use the little thumb valve on the lever to "open 'er up."

Grossed out? Scandalized? Shocked? Disgusted? Frightened? Interesting. Me? I'm CLEAN AS A WHISTLE.

I wanted you to read my description before I gave you the link.

my sister: Is it like a hose?
me: It's more like a robot arm.
my sister: Is it ugly?
me: Is a wireless headset for your cellphone ugly?
my sister: Sometimes it is ugl-...
me: CLEAN AS A WHISTLE.

My life can be divided into two distinct sections; the pre-Biffy, not-so-fresh epoch, the blissfully unaware period; then there's the CLEAN AS A WHISTLE PERIOD. It is a whole new era. And the Biffy was the bridge to this brave new world.

If you check out that website, you'll notice that there are more economical, and might I add, more stylish, butt hoses. Others have suggested that they would prefer the hose. Me, I'm still trying to work out the mechanics of the butt hose cleaning process, and I can't help feeling like the hose gives you way too much freedom, which is dangerous. Would access be a problem . . . under there? How would the hose affect the big-assed? If I missed, would there be poop water on the ceilings and walls?

I like the mechanical arm of the Biffy. No shifting or reaching, just stay where you are, put your cursor on the objective, and then ease open the throttle.

Or, heck, throw open the throttle, if you're feeling lucky.